Satire is the truth, thinly disguised.
SEATTLE — Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden promised a group of supporters Sunday that running mate Barack Obama “will absolutely 100% trigger a nuclear Armageddon kinda thing” within the first 20 minutes of his presidency, but added that “Barack Obama is looking forward to this apocalyptic opportunity to test his mettle, because he totally aced his LSATs.”
“Mark my words,” Biden promised at the Seattle fundraiser Sunday. “There will be an international crisis. The world will be looking. They’ll say, hey, here is this handsome, clean, ar-ti-cu-late young president, not unlike a very, very tanned John Fitzgerald Kennedy, dancing at his inaugural ball with his beautiful wife who is not unlike a very very very extremely tanned Jackie. And our enemies will think, ‘ba ha ha, look at how thees seely new Amerikanski preseedent dances so! Such skeels can only be from many years in zee dancing school, where theys do not teaching the toughness! Launch zee meesiles!’ But these enemies are in for a big surprise. America’s foes must never confuse Barack Obama’s terrific dance floor moves with weakness — because as an Afro-American African, Barack is a natural dancer.”
“Listen, I can sit here all day and give you at least sixty or seventy scenarios from where it might originate,” Biden said. “Iran, Russia, definitely France. India is a possibility because they have sleeper cells in all the 7-11s, and the Koreans with all their toxic dry cleaning chemicals. I wouldn’t be surprised if Spain or Portugal started thinking, hey, ese, let’s do a driveby and recolonize the New World.”
“Make no mistake, it will be coming from all sides. Shpeew shpeew shpeew! buddda buddddaaa! Boossscchhhh,” said Biden, pantomiming gun battles and mushroom clouds. “And there, standing in the middle of it will be Barack Obama — cool, calm, clean, ar-ti-cu-late. And lemme tell ya, this guy smells fabulous. He’s ready to lay down the international law and take back the mean geopolitical streets from the jive turkeys, like Shaft. Yeah, baby, you remember Shaft. Wokka chicka, wokka chicka. Who’s the black dick who’s a sex machine with all the chicks? Barack! Yeah, that Barack is one bad mutha… shut yo mouth! Hey I’m just takin’ ’bout Barack. You can take that to the bank, sugar.”
“Let me warn these folks who are American enemies — don’t let appearances deceive you,” added Biden. “You might think, ‘hey this guy looks like Urkel, let’s steal his lunch money and give him a nuclear wedgie.’ But guess what? He is another JFK. And just like JFK, Barack Obama has lots and lots of mob connections, so if you get any funny ideas, Mr. Nuclear Bully, President Urkel is gonna get on the hotline to Francis Albert Sinatra, and then let’s see how you like losing you casino licenses and paving contracts.”
“Haaappy Birrrthday, Mister President,” purred Biden in a deft imitation of Marilyn Monroe.
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